Someone feeling totally out of place...

Okay... posting this is slightly more awkward than on my personal blog. Does someone remember this awful fanfiction writer? No? Okay, scroll away from this.


If you do remember - I love you simply for doing so. It means a lot, the fact that you actually know me and read my stories and liked them enough to remember me too. So, here is what happened to me:

  • started university

  • started studying

  • got piled up in things I had to learn and didn't know

  • doing course works

  • watching dramas during the free time

  • roleplaying

Yes. I started roleplaying. At first it was due to the fact that I was curious and I didn't want to slack off on writing, but I was really in a block for thinking up stories myself and when roleplaying there are two people doing that so it was welcomed. If you're interested what type of roleplayer am I - I do it on tumblr and I have two muses so far. One AU and one OC, but I think the AU is more OC too anyway.

I do enjoy doing that one, but the thing is that I do miss writing my own fanfictions a little bit.
So, after I finish my exams in a month I'm planning on trying to get back at it. I should also try and dig up the stories I couldn't finish reading. There are quite a few of those and I'm really curious as to what happened to them.

Anyway, while I'm thinking over how to come back, I have to state I'm sticking to BEAST fanfictions, though I may do some crossovers and hetero... Not sure, but it may happen. I also have one or two oneshots I ended up not finishing so I may do my return with them.

Hm... what would you like to see from me? I'm curious.

Update on me; I'm still alive

My first post in awhile... They changed the new post page too ._. when? .... damn I haven't updated in AGES.... Anywayyyy~~

New Year is coming... I should really sit and finish something before the year ends orz I hope I will finish one of the two stories I want to finish. One of them is HyoKwang, that's a first, isn't it? I really love the pairing and I had an idea about them so I started it, but it's staying still... and there is another one I started, a 2jun and I have no idea where I will go with it...

But I will finish one of the two!!! I want to at least... Hope with me?


Title: Regret
Author: [info]swallow_nest
Pairing: Dongwoon / Yoseob / Junhyung
Rating: PG
OneShot [sequel to Delusion]
Summary: If I was not that selfish, if I had read better between the lines… if, if, if…
 [If I could...]

I’m in the kitchen, making French toasts for him even though they’re your favorite meal. He doesn’t know this of course. I don’t want to tell him either. I just want to make him smile today and this is the best thing I can do; probably because I have made them for you for so many years and I have practice. I can always achieve this perfect gold color and not burn them or have them raw. I wonder if he notices that, but he’s not like you so he probably doesn’t. All he cares about is if there is chocolate syrup to accompany them (you love the strawberry one).

It was a sunny Saturday morning. We had our usual get together at the end of the month (the one we started having after we graduated high-school and had barely time to see each other) and you insisted that you will sleep over at my place and I will make French toasts for you in the morning. Of course I knew that there was something wrong, because as normal as it is for you to invite me for sleep over (or demand one at my place) as strange it is for you to want French toasts. Mostly because I always make them for you and you don’t have to ask.

But you always ask when there is something wrong.

That morning you shuffled down the stairs and into the kitchen with one of my shirts, never mind that it was two sizes bigger for you but yours was stained anyway, and your jeans from last night. I remember how when I turned around you were rubbing your eyes and your lips were pursed, eyes barely opened. You looked really cute but it’s not like I can tell you that. The last time I did it we were in high school and you hit me and I’m embarrassed to get hit at the age of 20 by you. Not like you are not doing it sometimes.

 “Morning, hyung.” I greet cheerfully and you hummed in response, dropping yourself on the chair, laying your head on the table. I smile at the view and turn again to the pan. I’m making French toasts for you. “You better wake up by the time I’m finished.”

“The moment you put them in front of me I will be as good as new. Now, let me be as sleepy as hell.” You murmur and I hear the chair screech, probably because you’re trying to adjust the best position for you right now.

“Will you tell me what’s wrong?” I asked, knowing that silence will engulf us and you will stare blankly somewhere. There is always one thing bothering you when you ask me for my specialty and you never tell me about it. And I worry a lot, but I don’t want to pressure you, so I ask only once.

“Love problems.” You whispered, surely not intended for me to hear, but I heard it; I always hear what you say.

That day was the first time my heart hurt.


“Hyung, do you want coffee?” I ask. I know he’s awake even though he kept quiet all this time. He wakes up the moment the sun gets through the windows. And you will bury yourself under the covers grunting and stealing more minutes of sleep.

“Juice will be fine.” He yells back. He is more like me than he is like you. And we’re almost nothing alike. We just share the same experience.


“I can go to the USA to finish my study.” You said to me once when we were walking down to our favorite café. There was no one else on the street at that time, barely a person or two (maybe more), so it was not so weird when I suddenly stopped and looked at you wide eyed. You turned around and smiled, a smile I was not used to seeing on your face, maybe it was a little sad.

“Oh…” was all that left my mouth as I composed myself and walked to you, smiling, or trying to smile the best I could. “This is good, right?”

“Yea, but I’m a little scared.” You confessed and laughed nervously, scratching your head. I patted your back and you looked up at me with your big round eyes.

“You will do great, hyung! You’re really good at what you’re doing so this is a great chance for you!” I cheered and lashed my hand around your shoulders pulling you down the road.

“You think?” you asked laughing and I knew that I managed to cheer you up. That was enough for me.

Later that night I drank a lot, enough to dull the pain in my chest, because I hated the thought of not seeing you for months.

That night I also learned that dulling the pain in alcohol will not really erase it so I stopped doing it. And maybe that led to me approaching that guy that particular night when I saw him drowning in his sorrow, which led me to here…


“Junnie, do you plan on sleeping all day? The weather is awesome, let’s take a walk today!” I cheered sitting next to him and combing his hair. I knew he liked it, even if he wasn’t aware of it. He then faced me and smiled, pulling me down and kissing me. I smile too, because I at least know I took his mind off of it. I really want to make him smile.

“Whatever you want, baby.” he smirks and I know I blushed. I hate that smirk. I murmur something about the toasts getting burned and I rush back to the cooker trying to calm myself.

I love him. I do. And even if I started all the flirting with him to make that bastard jealous and aware of everything I’m happy I did it. Even though I tried to make something for him that I couldn’t accomplish for myself I'm happy I stole Junhyung, because he is my painkiller and I’m his medicine. He makes me happy and I make him happy too.

And because I love him I can’t break his heart after yesterday, because I just started to heal it.


We always send each other e-mails. Every two to three days I would receive a new one from you and I will send one myself in reply. We never missed it. At first I was telling you everything, but then when everything with Junhyung started I began to keep things from you. I had no idea how you will take it; the fact that I was dating a guy. And for a month you were telling me you had a surprise for me. You told me to wait for it and that you will tell me soon.

I felt really bad; like a bad friend who is lying and trying to drift away. So after I moved in with Junhyung (after he asked me to move in with him) I sent you an e-mail with a photo attached to it. A photo of me and him and I introduced him to you as my boyfriend. I asked you not to hate me and to please accept it. I apologized for keeping it; I said I was scary of ruining our relationship.

I expected you to return my e-mail, telling me you’re disgusted and that you don’t want to see me anymore.

I didn’t expect to see you at a café, bawling your eyes at the corner table, oblivious of the world (of me), facing your laptop on which screen the photo I attached to the e-mail was quite visible. You didn’t see me, your back was turned to me and as soon as I comprehended that yes – it was indeed you who were there, crying your eyes out; I turned around and exited the fastest I could.
I couldn’t bare it.

I now knew. I figured why you never told me your love problems, I figured why you never talked to me about the girls you liked, I figured the reason behind that smile when you told me you are leaving to study abroad.

I knew it all and I shouldn’t have kept quiet about my feelings, I should have been persistent in my questions, I should have stopped you, I shouldn’t have stole Junhyung.


I hear footsteps echo in the quiet apartment and I know Junhyung finally got up from the bed. He wrapped his hands around my torso and leaned his head on my back. To be honest I enjoy it. It’s comfortable and it’s warm, just like him.

“Dongwoonnie, I love you, you know?” he asks and I chuckle at his words. He’s rarely saying that. I guess I won’t ever hear it more than once a month.

“You’re not saying it often, also you’re bad at expressing it, but I can feel it sometimes.” I say as I grip his hand in my free one. He needs reassurance that I’m here. I need the same from him too.

“What did Yoseob say when he read the e-mail?” he asked all of a sudden and stepped back, going to the refrigerator and taking the juice out.

“He was mad I kept it from him and he wants to meet you.” I smiled and turned the cooker off.

“Whenever he wants.” He said absentmindedly and gave me a slight peck, before going to sit on the couch.

Regret. That’s what I feel.

That’s what I always will, because if I hadn’t stolen him I may have been happy with you now. He may have been happy with Doojoon too.

If I was not that selfish, if I had read better between the lines… if, if, if…

If I could not regret… But I'm happy.

FIRST: notesfromthesky ㅠ_ㅠ I'm so so sorry that my first DongSeob is like this ㅠ_ㅠ I have no words to explain how awful I feel about it, not to mention how much of a fail this is OTL
I admit that I could have made this way better and that it's a no match for Delusion... I just wrote Delusion in one state of my mind when everything was blank for me... But I really had the background for everything else; and yes at that time I had this DongSeob planned and yes I have a story for Yoseob and Doojoon separately in my mind, but I can't write those two down... I had difficulties writing this one down too. And this one was supposed to be a little different... Anyway. I rearranged it last night and... It's fail. But I wanted to post it, it was put to life after all and I can't do it better than this... *sigh* please forgive me.
If someone wants to try and make this better - be my guest! I would love to see it! I mean it!
and I miss the LJcut